A day in the life of me

Here's what my day has been like for way too long now:
7:30: Send kids off to school (I have gotten up and made breakfast and made sure they were wearing clean clothes since school started again in January. This is a huge step for me)
8:00: Check my email while I eat breakfast (usually something not very good for me)
8:30: Head to my dungeon (which is really a very bright yellow bedroom with a good view, but it feels like a dungeon). Sew, sew, unpick, sew, glitter, sew, design, sew, etc.
2:00-ish: Remember that I haven't eaten lunch. Eat something not very good for me.
2:45: Kids come home, take off their shoes and socks and leave them lying right in the middle of the living room. Empty backpacks and leave it in the middle of the living room. Then they fight, watch TV, play, fight, eat, fight, etc.
Meanwhile, I am sewing in the dungeon.
4:00 on most days: Take Olivia to swimming. Try suits on girls, learn the latest changes to routines and suits that I still have to make, etc.
5:00: come home and wonder what on earth we are going to have for dinner since Brandon most likely won't be home and I haven't been to the grocery store for about 2 months now.
7:00ish: Back to the dungeon for more late night sewing, glittering or whatever until I am too tired to think straight. Unfortunately, I have worked with a tired brain before and it usually ends up with more unpicking the next day.
11:00 or later: Go to bed.

Now, here's the thing. I have earned a good chunk of money sewing suits, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. I'm not very good at balancing things in my life. It's all or nothing. I do this a lot. For instance, when I read a book, that's ALL I do. Read. Until I'm done. Now it's SEW. Until I'm done. But then, after I'm done, what will I do? (I also think that I do this in part to avoid things I don't like: cleaning, cooking, laundry, discipline, etc.)

I'm starting to think that my brain is a one-track brain and is incapable of focusing on more than one thing. But then, sometimes I think that I am very good at multi-tasking. I have come to the conclusion, for now, that when I find something that makes me happy in any form, I overdose on it. I think I am addicted to creating suits. I like to see something I have designed, created, embellished and loved end up being loved by the girl who it was created for. I guess deep down, I also like hearing praise over my creations. Just today, somebody said I was "famous". I don't think that's true, but I can't help but hope that at the coming swim meet, somebody will ask "who made all of those fabulous suits?"

In the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter to me that something I have made is important, what should matter to me is that someone I have raised is important. Right now, I'm having a hard time separating my "working self" from my "mom self". I am impatient with my children, I don't want to cook or clean for them, I let discipline and homework slide, and many other aspects of my life and theirs so that I can create something "fabulous". Shouldn't the "fabulous" that I'm creating be in my own life? Shouldn't the house, kids, husband and self come before everything else, and least sometimes? How do I make myself take time for something other that what my one-track brain has decided is most important in this moment? Where do I find the patience to tuck Sam in for the fourth time tonight? What I really want to do is yell and scream at him because he is kicking the wall, it's 9:39, and he's really tired. How do I become a good mom, and not just a good seamstress? Why is it that I can be really good at some things, and really, really bad at others? (and those are usually the more important things)

BTW, these are all rhetorical questions, I don't expect anyone to answer, or to give me a pep talk. This post is just more about self discovery than anything else.

I have a good friend who chooses one word to focus on for a whole year. Something to think about, work on, try to do better, etc. I have thought a lot about this in the last few weeks. I thought, "Okay, I'll do it too." So what word did I come up with for myself? I was thinking TRY. But then I thought that was pretty lame, because it would be an easy out. After all, I was only TRYING, and if I failed, at least I TRIED, right? So I was never brave enough to share this word with anyone (except my sister, who laughed with me about it). Tonight, I was reading this friend's blog and I saw that someone else had chosen the word BALANCE for her word. I knew right away that that's what my word and my focus needs to be. BALANCE. In everything. In what I do with my time, in what I eat, in what my priorities are, in my physical balance (I'm starting to feel old and decrepit), in dealing with my kids, in taking care of myself, in EVERYTHING. So, Adrian, I am officially choosing a word. I'm going to go write it on my mirror and try (ha ha) to have more BALANCE in everything I do. I even started by going back into Sam's room and lying down with him for a few minutes until he calmed down and we could talk about why he was so upset. (He's just really tired). So, I successfully balanced being a mom with being a blogger. Good for me. Pat on the back. Tomorrow, I will start working on the mom/swimsuit maker dilemma. A little balance at a time will be okay. At least it's something. And that's all I'm going for right now. I have a whole year to get this perfected.